Hey! So this is a little thing I came up with.
You wanna know the worst thing? No matter how many people I meet, no matter what I do they always turn their back on me.
Let's go back some time. When I was a little girl I saw the world in a bright range of colors. My heart danced at every little thing I came across. No matter how injured I was my spirit never left me. My sister may have pushed me around, using me as her personal rag, but I never fell. My dad left me in the dark, no matter how many times I called "Daddy!" I was always brushed off, but I never fell I was too strong.
Time passed and like most children I ended up in a school full of students. I found my first friend, she became my best friend. She was the person who shared so much with me. She was my personal buddy. I found myself loving school, enjoying being around people.
Kindergarden became my new life and my best friend was no longer in my class, i rarely saw her. I found a friend, but she always had to be the superior to me, even at such a young age. School was not my favorite thing, but I certainly found a way to be happy each day.
That summer, my mother fell ill. She lost so much of herself, someone who I will never know. I lost my only comfort. I was fine on my own, but I wouldn't be forever. My mind surpress much of the next year, but the few memories I have made me realize that my life was not always happy, even so young.
I was picked on by one particular kid. He found my personal glow repulsive and this led him to say to me "You smile too much." I would never be the same. I almost received my first kiss that year, unaware of what would occur. One boy brought back behind the bushes preparing to kiss me, the little girl standing there, confused. My best friend decided that I would either leave him, or she would rat me out. I fled from him, blowing a kiss over my shoulder. From that day on I promised myself that I would never rat another out.
That year left me knowing that the world wasn't always a happy place. Second grade came along and my best friend chose to push me around. After that year I realized that people can change for the worse as they grow older.
My third grade year brought me to my first year of seclusion. Kids may see me, talk to me, spend time with me, but I was never one of them. Eventually I became weirdo, as they called me from time to time. The girls made clubs just to run away from me. At such a tender age, I wondered what I had done to be seen in such a light.
Fourth and Fifth grade proceeded as the bullying only began. The ironic part? This was a Catholic school. Talk about religion crap, pray to the saints yada yada yada? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEE THE ACTUAL PROBLEMS? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEE YOUR BITCHY STUDENTS TREATING ME LIKE CRAP!!!
Eventually after a lot of convincing, my parents switched me to public school. I walked into school in 6th grade to discover a room filled with hundreds of kids. People I would grow to know the names of over time. As it was in that moment, I was alone, a fresh start perhaps, but alone there and then. I found friends and I enjoyed the freedom I received and I grew to find myself with different activities.
Seventh grade reached me and I switched my friend groups having discovered the one I was with didn't share my interests. I was happy, I believed that these friends would be true to me. I was a good judge of character and they didn't seem the type to hurt me.
Also that year, I developed my first crush, it was a minor one that passed in a few months as I found interest in a guy who seemed to at least give me the time of the day. I shared no classes with him, no activities, simply a few minutes at recess from time to time. Eventually, out of the blue, he began meeting me at my locker at the end of the school day and we'd walk to the busses together. I remember one time I finished before him and I moved down the hall, he came to my locker and discovered that I wasn't there. I remember seeing his face. He continued his journey alone only for me to jump out and scare him. He was the nicest guy I ever met.
Not all the guys were nice to me, the percentage of them were far from that. They found it funny to call me names and to strip me of my identity, purposely embarrassing me. It was hard to get though the school day, knowing that it would meet me in my classes and on the bus.
One guy did know how to cheer me up. He was my best friend. We were random weirdos together. We laughed, enjoyed life, and destoyed the sterotypes we should've belonged to. It wasn't easy to meet with him though, our lives did not run on the same path.
My eighth grade year brought me to my knees. I knew that my classmates wouldn't treat me with the most respect, but I never knew that I would go through hell that year. I would stay up so late, only getting 2 hours of sleep per night, trying desperatly to find something to seal the pain I felt.
To start off, my dad began abusing me, mainly verbally, but physical occured too. I had no one to protect me. My sister was a wimp who didn't care about me and my mom was to weak to be able to do anything. Simply, after that point, my home never felt like a welcoming place for me.
School was a nightmare as well, the bus rides included being teased and made fun of while I desperatly tried to stay awake. My classes included the one kid who tortured me the most. He was in almost every simgle one of them. My friends seemed to forget me, and I felt like dying.
I messed around with cutting, not to mention having suicide thoughts always on my mind. I wanted an out, but there was no place to go, my heart shattered more every day. I grew weak and broken and no one noticed. My heart hurt being left alone with no one by my side.
The minimal amount of happiness I was able to find was with the boy who continued to meet me at my locker everyday. I developed a major crush on him and my head went back and forth constantly telling myself that he liked me and that he didn't. Funny how the one area that found happiness left me so confused.
Okay, I lied, it wasn't the only thing that made me happy. My chorus class was my favorite class of all time. I could sing my heart out to random tunes, and enjoy being a part of something even if it wasn't really true.
The year stripped me so much that the summer after I felt incredibly numb, otherwise feeling the pain in my heart only growing. I wanted that time to last forever. I never wanted to go anywhere or do anything, I would have smiled for days if I knew I never had to back to school.
I started my freshman year wanting basically a fresh start. I'd sworn off boys having finally gotten over my crush. I wanted my high school years to be just like all those people said "the best years of my life." I soon discoved that I would never have that occur. My "friends" left me out of everything possible while making me feeling bad everytime I expressed myself.
I fell into the deepest depression I had ever expirenced, something that would swallow me for a day forcing me to hold back tears during every second of the day. My grades became so important to me because of my stupid future.
You wanna know the future I saw? I saw myself getting up everyday all alone, drifting through life, never being saved from my pain. No matter how many hints I dropped I would always be ignored, left, and removed.
I'd make friends only to discover that my true self was repulsive to them, halting it and reversing it to a point where I'd be left in the dark standing, looking at my life in shreads.
The few true friends I knew had such different lives, ones I was unwilling to ruin, not to mention that I feared if I grew any closer to them they would only leave me like all the rest.
Everyday I wake up, begging the universe a chance to not have to do anything at all. My passions were squashed. I was good at nothing. My heart was so torn apart it'd be impossible to put it back together. The life I once lived grew to stab me in the back.
Every word of this story is true
My name is Calli, and this is my story.
January 9, 2014